


if i lose myself it's worth the sacrifice

by reachedthebitterend



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Character Deaths, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:29:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23969863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reachedthebitterend/pseuds/reachedthebitterend
Summary: alex sacrifices himself and his family to save michael
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 6
Kudos: 208





	if i lose myself it's worth the sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> posted on tumblr on 04/10/20

By the time they get to the room where the bomb is in it’s too late. Alex can tell from the way that Charlie stares at the device.

She looks up at him, shaking her head slightly and then looks back down.

“We have less than ten minutes,” she tells him. “Even if we get out of here, I don’t think they’ll clear the perimeter in time.”

Alex takes exactly one second to process the horror of the thought of Michael actually dying, and then pushes it to the back of his mind, taking steps away from the door to walk towards Charlie.

“Is there any way to deactivate or slow it down?" 

Charlie shakes her head and then makes a noise and reaches forward, sliding a lever and then pressing it down. Out from the side of the device pops out a tray with a capped test tube, full of blood.

"The only problem is if the device doesn’t have a sequence, it’ll just attack everyone within range,” she says like the thought just occurred to her, freezing with a hand hovering over the tube.

Alex looks at Charlie and then looks back at the tube, and it’s almost too easy to make a choice in the end.

“I have an idea,” he says, and reaches for the test tube on the device. “Go keep a look out.”

Alex doesn’t look at her when she hesitates, briefly, but she follows his orders, moving to stand by the door.

He pulls a bottle of acetone out of his pocket and uses it to clean out the test tube before he’s pulling a pocket knife out of another pocket.

He barely hesitates as he pushes the blade to his hand and cuts his palm open.

-

Michael has accepted that he’s going to die, that there is no way out of this. He just wished that it wouldn’t be with Max and Isobel at his side.

Jesse Manes had orchestrated their entire capture from behind the scenes, pretending that he had no idea what was going on until the last possible moment.

Michael had known the second that they’d woken up in a small grey nondescript room, with Jesse Manes sitting down on a simple metal folding chair, reading through a file, calmly without a care in the world, that this was it. 

Especially when he felt the shock collar around his neck. Michael hadn’t cared for himself, but it seems like Jesse has been keeping better tabs on them than they thought since he knew that the only way to keep each one of them in line was if he threatened the others with pain.

It worked through his super villain monologue and even when Cameron and Liz had come running to their rescue, only to surrender their weapons the second Jesse switched on Max’s shock collar.

He had made them kick their guns over to him, and had forced both Liz and Cameron into the furthest corner away from them. 

“You should’ve known better than to come here without backup,” Jesse is saying, something mocking in his tone.

Cameron bares her teeth at him. “I didn’t come here alone.”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the doors go crashing open again and in comes Charlie, followed by Alex, both of them with their hands up. Flint coming up behind them, a gun pointed to Alex’s head.

Michael feels like even his blood is frozen as he stares at Alex. if he was being honest with himself, he had been hoping that Alex would be the one leading their attempted rescue, but he’d also been hoping that he was wrong.

“Found them in the room with the device. They were trying to deactivate it,” Flint says as he brings them both to a stop in front of Jesse.

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist coming here to save him,” Jesse tells his son, who just stares back at him impassive, not even flinching.

“And now you get a front row seat to our first test run,” he continues and looks to Flint and motions for him to take Charlie over to where Liz and Cameron are standing, before he moves forward and turns Alex to face them.

Alex’s eyes pass over him briefly, before he looks at the wall above their heads.

Isobel and Max haven’t said anything after the first couple of shocks, but Michael knew Max well enough to know that he was biding his time, and he knew Isobel well enough to know that she was also making plans.

Michael wanted to tell them that it was too late.

“Test run for what?” Max asks, probably trying to buy time.

“A bomb,” Jesse says, turning towards them, free with his words, because he knows that they’re going to die. “A smart bomb in fact. One created to attack whatever specific gene sequence it’s been programmed to find.”

“And you’re going to use it to kill us,” Max says, more of a statement than a question, and Isobel slides closer to him, darting a look at Michael, who hasn’t been able to take his gaze away from Alex, who is standing so still, and won’t look at him.

Michael is more sure now than ever that he’s going to die.

“I was going to test it on some subjects in Caulfield, but plans change.”

Michael makes a low noise and moves forward, only to fall back on his butt as Jesse activates the collar shocking him.

“Enough,” Alex snaps out, finally moving but to turn towards his father.

“Aren’t you tired of this?” He asks, sounding like he’s the one who’s tired of him.

His father turns to him, and Michael takes deep breaths and feels Isobel at his back, pulling him towards her and Max.

“You’ll understand one day,” he tells him, as Michael leans heavily against Isobel for a second, before he pushes himself to sitting position, moving slightly so that he’s in front of them. “They are the enemy. And I am doing what I’m doing to protect not only my country, but my family.”

Alex just shakes his head, taking a step away from his father. “I will never understand that. But I do understand doing whatever it takes to protect your family.”

Jesse opens his mouth to speak, but then an alarm goes off on his phone, and Michael hears something low go off, vibrating through the air at an alarming frequency.

Michael looks back to Isobel and Max who turn to him and then to each other, and then Michael looks over to Alex and inhales sharply when he sees that Alex is staring right at him.

Alex mouths something at him, or he says it, but Michael doesn’t hear, he just closes his eyes wanting the last thing that he ever sees to be Alex’s face staring at him like he loves him.

Michael inhales deeply and waits.

And waits.

And _waits_.

And then Jesse Manes coughs, a wet and painful sounding thing, and Alex laughs, sounding a little bit deranged, but mostly relieved, and then it turns into a cough.

Isobel makes a low distressed noise and Michael opens his eyes.

He looks first at Jesse Manes who is holding a hand to his face, blood dripping down his nose, and he can barely feel a stab of satisfaction at that, before his gaze moves to Alex and he feels his stomach dropping down to his feet.

“What did you do?” Jesse demands, something that Michael wants to know too, because he didn’t- he _wouldn’t_.

“The only thing I could do,” Alex says with conviction, standing tall, blood dripping down his nose and ears. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t? The choice was us or them. You do the math.”

Alex pulls the glove that he was wearing, and exposes the still bleeding cut.

“Alex,” Michael says, feeling breathless and lightheaded, and he was absolutely right.

He is going to die here, because he is never going to be the same person if Alex dies.

Jesse moves to step towards him, but then stumbles and falls to his knees.

There’s a cough and a confused, “Alex,” coming from Flint, and Michael stares at Alex as he closes his eyes, face contorted in pain, and he turns to his brother.

“I am so sorry,” he says swallowing hard, voice thick. “But he left me with no other choice.”

Alex keeps eye contact with his brother until there is a groan coming from Jesse.

Michael turns his gaze towards him and then he’s moving, standing and running to where Alex is.

The sound of the gunshot rings in the air, and there is a pained grunt and then silence.

Michael pushes away from Alex and checks him over, but while he’s still bleeding, it’s not from getting shot.

Michael turns and looks around to see Flint falling to the floor, the gun in his hands still smoking.

Cameron catches him before he falls, making them both fall to the floor, and Liz and Charlie move to help stop her from getting trapped beneath his weight.

Jesse Manes lies dead on the floor, the gun in his hand still cold.

Alex makes a wet gasping sound and Michael forgets about everything else.

He turns back to face him. Alex is lying back on the floor, looking up at the ceiling sightlessly, blood now staining the corner of his mouth.

“Alex,” Michael says, leaning over him, pressing his fingers restlessly to Alex’s face.

Alex blinks and then his gaze focuses on him.

“Michael,” Alex breathes, eyes shining bright, and he seems so relieved that his plan worked.

Michael drops his forehead to Alex’s, “I hate you.”

Alex shudders, and licks his bottom lip, “That’s fair.”

Michael laughs and it turns into a sob, and he drags his fingers into Alex’s hair, drenched with sweat.

“You don’t get to do this to me, again,” Michael says, closing his eyes. “You don’t get to leave.”

“I’m so-”

“No,” Michael says, shaking his head.

He pulls away, dropping his hands on either side of Alex’s head. 

“I don’t want an apology, I want to know why. Why are you always trying to leave me?”

Alex makes a low distressed sound, and his hands reach up to Michael’s shoulders, fingers pressing against the exposed skin at his shirt collar, and his fingers are so cold.

“I’m not,” he says, staring at Michael intently. “I didn’t have any other choice. I didn’t even have to think about it. It was you or me. And I would rather die than lose you.”

Michael just looks at him, “And what about me? Did you think of what it would do to me if I lost you?”

Alex gives him such a soft and tender look that Michael feels like he can’t breathe again, “You’re going to be okay, Michael.”

Michael shakes his head, but Alex just keeps talking. 

“It might hurt at first,” he closes his eyes, swallowing hard, and makes a low pained sound, before he opens his eyes again and stares at Michael intently. “Maybe it will be unbearable. But I know that you’ll be okay. You lost Max and you got through that. You’ll get through this.”

Michael wants to protest, but Alex’s fingers tighten briefly on his shirt, and he blinks a few times, like he’s trying to keep his eyes open.

“Guerin, Michael,” he says a little urgently, gaze going a little unfocused. “I love-”

Michael leans down and kisses him, cutting off the words with his mouth.

Alex makes a low shocked sound against his lips, and he kisses him back for one second before his hands fall away from Michael’s shoulders, and his lips part with a gasp, and he goes so still, so sudden that Michael feels like his heart stops.

He presses his forehead to Alex’s and keeps his eyes close.

“Alex,” he says, voice trembling.

But Alex doesn’t answer.

-

Liz takes note of when Flint takes his last breath, concentrating solely on him and Charlie and Jenna so that she doesn’t have an absolute breakdown over what’s happening in the middle of the room.

She hadn’t even begun to prepare herself for the fact that they could’ve lost Isobel and Michael and Max, again.

Losing Alex was something that it hadn’t even crossed her mind to prepare for.

Liz had turned away the moment she realized what was happening.

And now she stares at Flint’s face, and tries not to notice all the ways he’s similar to Alex.

“Alex,” Michael says again, voice a little louder than before like he’s sure that all he needs to do is be a little bit louder and Alex will wake up.

She closes her eyes when nothing happens.

“No,” Michael says, the word sounding like it’s being torn out of his chest. “No,” he says again, voice lower and sounding a little bit determined.

Liz breathes in deeply as the smell of ozone begins to fill the air, the smell directly related to them using their powers, and she turns towards Michael to find him bent over Alex, one of his hands pressed to his chest, eyes shut tight.

“What are you doing, Michael?” Isobel asks, sounding terrified. Michael doesn’t answer.

Liz stares at Michael’s hand on Alex’s chest intently, and she’s not entirely surprised when it lights up. She had seen him practicing healing cuts, usually using Alex as a test subject.

Isobel moves forward, almost likes she’s going to stop Michael, probably remembering what happened the last time that one of them brought someone back to life, but Liz’s attention is caught by Max, who moves forward as well, but instead of stopping Isobel, he moves to kneel down right by Alex’s head.

It startles Michael momentarily, making him lose concentration, and he blinks his eyes open and looks at Max, who places a hand on his shoulder, and then sets his other hand on Alex’s shoulder, closing his eyes.

His hand lights up faster than Michael’s did, and Michael’s next breath seems to shudder out of him, and he closes his eyes again and inhales deeply and his hand starts to glow again.

Isobel stares at both of them for a long second, before she slides closer as well, pressing her hand on Michael’s other shoulder, and then putting her hand to the side of Alex’s head, closing her eyes.

She hears Charlie exhaling almost in wonder from behind her, and Cameron’s low voice as she says something to her.

Liz feels like her heart is caught in her throat, and she moves closer, the air feeling heavy with an electric charge.

She can hear the low whine of the light overloading before all of the lightbulbs in the room pop.

Max, Michael and Isobel all gasp at the same time and then Isobel and Max sway backwards, hands falling away from Michael and Alex, while Alex pushes closer, hands fluttering all over Alex.

But Alex isn’t moving.

“Alex,” Michael says one more time, and this time she feels her heart cracking in half.

He makes a low mournful sound at the back of his throat and then he’s dropping his face to Alex’s chest, shoulders shaking.

“I’m so sorry, Michael,” Max says, as he seems unsure whether to reach out and comfort him or not. “I don’t know why it didn’t work.”

No one else says anything for a long time, the only sound is Michael’s heavy breathing.

And then Alex is inhaling sharply, and coughing as the air fills his lungs.

She barely hears anything else through her relief, and she sways, and Jenna catches her.

She looks over to where Michael is smiling, so wide and bright with his forehead pressed against Alex’s, eyes closed, and Alex is staring at him with eyes wide with wonder, saying something too low for her to hear, before his eyes fall shut again.

She sighs, leaning heavier against Jenna and closes her eyes, and staying in the moment before they all have to think about what they have to do next.

-

“Seven dollars,” Alex hears Michael saying as he starts to wake up.

He hears a distinctive Liz sounding scoff, before there is a beat of silence. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? You look like you could use some sleep, and I can keep Alex company if he wakes up.”

He doesn’t hear Michael’s response, but a few minutes later he hears the low sound of the door opening and closing.

He finally blinks his eyes open and realizes that he’s in his room.

He doesn’t remember getting here. He barely even remembers leaving the warehouse where his father had chosen to test the smart bomb.

He swallows hard, brow furrowing, and thinks that he should feel something more about the fact that his father is dead, but all he feels is an overwhelming amount of relief.

He forces his thoughts away from Flint, closing his eyes tightly, and breathes in deeply.

He knows that he had no other choice, and he hadn’t expected to survive. He hadn’t thought that they would risk bringing someone else back to life, after losing Max the last time.

He feels someone, Michael, sit down on the edge of his bed, the mattress sinking with his weight.

He hears him breathe in deeply.

“I know you’re awake, Alex,” he says, and Alex frowns immediately.

“How?” he asks without opening his eyes.

He feels Michael move closer, and then there are fingers pressing to his forehead. “You have a crease right here that completely disappears when you’re awake, almost as though you’re always stressed.”

Alex blinks his eyes open as Michael pulls his hand back, and he gives him a look, meant to be intimidating, “I am always stressed, Guerin. It’s what happens when you deal with secrets that could threaten national security.”

Michael just gives him an impassive look, “What I’m saying is that you need to relax some more, or you’re going to work yourself into an early grave.”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth Michael freezes, and Alex sits up immediately and he stares at Michael as the reality of what happened weighs down on him, making him hunch forward a little.

Alex breathes in deeply, and he feels a pang in his chest, and he presses his hand to the spot that feels too warm, and it feels like Michael. He can dimly feel both Isobel and Max, but it’s not as strong, and he wonders if that’s because they’re blocking him or because he’s more used to feeling Michael.

Alex breathes out carefully and he moves forward, reaching towards Michael with one hand.

MIchael grabs his hand in both of his, fast enough that Alex’s breathing hitches.

He looks at Michael with wide eyes, forgetting momentarily what he was about to say, and Michael looks down at his hand, at the white bandage wrapped tightly around his hand.

Alex can tell that he wants to unravel the wrapping and heal the cut, so he just slips his hands carefully out of Michael’s and Michael lets him go, looking up at Alex then.

Alex shakes his head a little. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough healing for today.”

Michael stares at him for a long second, eyes darting all over Alex’s face, and Alex doesn’t know what he’s looking for, or even if he finds it.

He just knows that one second Michael is staring at him intently, and then the next he’s flat on his back, Michael hovering over him, and it takes him right back to that warehouse, and he feels his stomach clenching, and he swallows hard, closing his eyes tightly.

He had died. Alex had been expecting that. He had been expecting three deaths. He had told Flint to run, but he had known that he wasn’t going to make it.

He feels Michael’s fingers in his hair, tangling his fingers in the strands that are just long enough for him to grab on to and tug.

Alex’s eyes flutter open as he gasps, and Michael is leaning down over, looking at him intently, knees on either side of Alex’s waist, one hand propping him up as he holds Alex’s head still.

“You can’t ever do that to me again,” Michael tells him seriously. 

Alex blinks a few times, and then he’s shaking his head. 

“I’m being serious,” Michael says. “If it comes down to a choice between you and me you’ll chose yourself and get the fuck out-”

“No,” Alex says seriously, not looking away as Michael tightens his fingers in his hair and just stares at him. “If it means losing you then no. I won’t do it.”

Michael stares at him for a long moment, gaze blank in a way that Alex is positive that he learned from him, and then he’s shaking his head, “You’re being impossible right now.”

Alex just shakes his head right back at him, “You’re the one being impossible. I would do anything to protect you.”

Michael just stares at him again, eyes bright and searching and maybe just a little bit confused, but Alex just keeps staring at him, trying to figure out what it is that Michael is looking for.

Michael exhales roughly, “Why?”

Alex stares at him unblinkingly, “Are you being serious right now?”

Michael just stares right back at him, impassive.

Alex stares at him, brow furrowing, and he opens his mouth and closes it twice, before he looks away from Michael, blinking rapidly, wondering why it’s so fucking hard to say this when he can say it without thinking to other people and every single time they’re in danger.

He inhales deeply and looks back to Michael, “I love you. That’s why I do everything that I do. Because I love you.”

Michael stares at him, eyes bright, and a smile overtakes his face slowly, and Alex just stares at him as he smiles bright and happy and leans in a bit closer.

“See? Was it really so hard to say that when neither of us is dying?”

Alex blinks twice at Michael and glares a little, “I hate you.”

Michael just laughs and presses their foreheads together. “That’s fair.”

Alex just closes his eyes and sighs, and Michael pushes in a little closer, brushing their noses together.

Alex’s eyes flutter open and he inhales sharply.

“I love you too, you know?”

Alex just smiles, “I know. I can feel it.”

Michael exhales, and his smile widens a little before he pushes in even closer.

“You can feel it huh? And what am I feeling, right now?”

Alex just tips his head back a little just barely brushing their mouths together and closes his eyes again, breathing in deeply and concentrating on that part that he can feel that’s all Michael.

He feels what Michael wants him to feel, the pulse of heat that simmers low in the pit of his stomach, but overwhelmingly, Michael’s tired, and the feeling sinks through Alex insidiously.

Alex yawns, pulling back a little, and Michael leans up, staring at him with a half smile on his face, eyes bright as he watches him.

Alex blinks at him a little sleepily, and then frowns.

“I’ve been sleeping this whole time,” he says in protest. “There are things that I should be doing-”

Michael just leans heavily against him, stretching out on top of him, and drops his face into the crook of Alex’s neck, breathing out and making Alex shudder against him, eyes falling shut.

“Fine,” he says. “Just a couple of hours though.”

Michael presses a kiss to his neck making Alex gasp and just settles even heavier on top of him.

Alex yawns again, and wraps his arm around Michael’s waist as Michael presses a hand to Alex’s chest, breathing out.

Alex thinks that the position they’re in is going to get uncomfortable in a few minutes, but he ignores that to enjoy the feeling of Michael on top of him.

He inhales deeply, settling his other hand in Michael’s hair and falls asleep.


End file.
